I am Not Enough - May 2021
It seems that at least once a week I have what I call an “Inner Critic” attack. There I said it. My self-doubt surges. I question my ability to manage my business the way I want to; or the challenge of the day. I doubt that I’m showing up (sufficiently) authentically, and in a way others understand me. I overthink the situation.
When this happens to me, I feel my energy consolidate in my head. I lose contact with my body and my feet. I feel like a bird madly flapping its wings, yet unable to lift off the ground. It’s a panicky feeling.
Why does this happen? In a word, “performativity”. In our culture, it’s common that we fear we’ll lose dignity, or not belong if we don’t meet certain societal or familial standards. There is a societal narrative about showing up “perfectly”. We are bombarded daily with hundreds, if not thousands, of examples of “perfection” on social media, TV, and in movies. There are countless times I’ve scrolled through Facebook, or LinkedIn, and thought to myself - “Wow, this person is doing incredible things/having incredible adventures. I shouldn’t post any updates because that will just confirm for the world how boring my life is. They (and presumably others) will think less of me.” Has that ever happened to you?
The thinking goes that if you perform a certain way (e.g. have an “exciting” life), then you’ll be valued and accepted. The inner critic feeds into that angst, that desire to gain approval. It keeps you locked in a losing battle of falsehoods. You don’t perform or achieve approval because in actuality you’re attempting to perform to your interpretation of what you think others perceive. For me, this angst feeds into familial stories about what it means to be seen as a male professional in all aspects. I now recognize that this has become a well-practiced way to hide many facets of myself that don’t fit the criteria of “professional.” I see this very limiting, self-editing process as a form of armor. Armor from which I am still working to extract myself.
I’ve learned that falling down this rabbit hole saps me of my strength, making it more difficult to complete what I need to do. It saps my ability to connect to my heart and body, and be present with what is actually going on around me.
In these situations, I do what I recommend my clients practice: observe temperature, pressure, movement and sensations in my body. I listen for what mode of self-care would feel most supportive (sometimes it’s a combination). I take the time to settle myself back into my body using that self-care modality. It might be Qi Gong, or journaling, or free dancing, or a walk in the woods.
The angst usually doesn’t disappear immediately. I’ve learned to be OK with that. Reconnecting to my heart and body, and eliminating that flighty feeling make me realize I’m on my way. I also frequently remind myself that when I experience these inner critic attacks, I’m outside my comfort zone.
As the saying goes, if you’re not scared, you’re not thinking big enough. I apply the self-care in order to get through the fear zone into the learning and growth zones. It’s important to let that fear move through and not get stuck.
I trust the process. I trust what my heart and body tell me. I trust my gifts and my ability to face the challenge and stand tall with integrity in my response. Not to say I don’t make mistakes. However, the place from which I move is quite different, more open to possibility.
When you’re feeling like you’re not enough, do you trust what your heart and body are saying? What do you do to reconnect to your heart and body?